CONVERSATION 04For when everyone seems to need something from you, and you’d quite like someone else to know what’s for dinner.
There is a particular kind of tired that comes from being the one who remembers, notices and thinks ahead. You book the appointment, make the plan and spot the problem before anyone else knows there is one.
Because you’re good at it, people get used to you doing it. Until somebody asks one perfectly reasonable question and you think: can somebody else just deal with it?
Pull up a chair. You don’t need to organise anything here.
The things nobody sees.
It isn’t only doing things. It’s remembering that they need doing. The birthday, the empty fridge, the message you haven’t answered and tomorrow’s mysterious requirement for a cardboard box.
Each task might be small. Carrying all of them at once is another matter.
Perhaps you became the reliable one because you liked helping, because doing it yourself was quicker or because experience taught you that you had to. Over time, being capable became an expectation.
What are you keeping track of that nobody else seems to notice?
Give yourself a moment to acknowledge it. Being able to manage doesn’t mean it isn’t tiring.
You can love people and need help.
Being needed can feel good. You might enjoy looking after people and take pride in making their lives easier. You can feel all of that and still resent being the default person for everything.
Perhaps you don’t want another offer to “help if you need anything.” You want someone to notice, take responsibility and follow through.
When did someone last say, “I’ve got it,” and actually have it?
What would you most like somebody to take care of for you?
A decision, an evening, a recurring task? Be specific enough that another person could understand what taking it on would mean.
Does this have to be yours?
Some responsibilities genuinely are yours, and support isn’t always readily available. Others may have landed with you simply because you noticed them first.
Choose one and ask whether you need to own it. Could another adult manage it from beginning to end, including the remembering and planning?
Where a handover is possible, agree what needs to happen and let them find their way. Different doesn’t necessarily mean wrong. You may dislike their restaurant choice. You may also enjoy having made absolutely no reservation.
You shouldn’t have to supervise every detail for something to count as shared.
Put one thing down.
You don’t need to become brilliant at boundaries by tomorrow. Choose one manageable change: hand over a task, decline a request or let something unimportant wait.
If there’s nobody to hand it to, consider what could happen less often or be done more simply. Some things need doing. Others have acquired a surprisingly senior position in your life without an interview.
Then ask what you need in the space you’ve made. Rest? Company? An hour when nobody needs an answer?
Being caring and capable are parts of you worth keeping. So is the person who needs care herself.
The chair will still be here when you come back.
One thing to take with you
Just because I can carry it doesn’t mean I have to.