I’m Tired of Holding Everything Together
CONVERSATION 04A conversation for when everyone seems to need something from you, and you're tired of being the one who always holds it all together.
Pull up a chair.
There is a particular kind of tired that doesn't come from not getting enough sleep.
It comes from being the one who remembers. The one who notices. The one who sorts it. The one who thinks ahead. The one who knows what needs doing before anybody else has even realised it needs to be done.
You remember the appointment. You reply to the message. You make the plan. You notice when something is running out. You think about what everyone needs. You solve the problem.
And because you're good at it, people get used to you doing it.
Sometimes you get used to it too.
Until one day somebody asks you one perfectly reasonable question and you want to scream:
Can somebody else just deal with it?
Not forever. Just this once.
The things nobody sees.
A lot of what you carry probably isn't visible.
It's not only doing things.
It's remembering that they need to be done.
It's the tabs quietly open in your head.
Did I reply to that? What time do we need to leave? Have we got enough food? I need to book that. I mustn't forget her birthday. He needs that for tomorrow. I need to chase them. What are we doing this weekend? Who is picking that up? What have I forgotten?
Sometimes nothing particularly terrible is happening. There are simply too many small things asking for a piece of you.
And because most of them take only a few minutes, it can feel ridiculous to complain about them.
But twenty things that each take five minutes are still twenty things your brain has been carrying around all day.
Who decided you were the one who could cope?
Maybe nobody did. Perhaps it just happened.
You were capable. You noticed things. You got things done. You didn't like letting people down.
Maybe it felt easier to do something yourself than explain how to do it. Maybe other people weren't as reliable. Maybe you became independent because at some point you needed to be.
Maybe you learnt very early that if something mattered, you had better make sure it happened yourself.
And eventually being capable stopped being something you did. It became something people expected from you.
Perhaps something you expected from yourself.
Being needed can feel good too.
We don't always say this part.
There can be something lovely about being the person people turn to.
It can make you feel useful. Trusted. Important. Loved, even.
Perhaps you like looking after people. Perhaps generosity is simply part of who you are.
There is nothing wrong with that.
But there is a difference between choosing to care for people and feeling responsible for making sure everything and everyone is okay.
One feels like love.
The other can start to feel very heavy.
And sometimes, underneath the tiredness, there is anger.
Maybe nobody notices everything you do. Maybe they notice only when you don't do it.
Maybe you find yourself thinking:
Why am I the only one who sees this? Why do I always have to ask? Why can't somebody just think of me for once?
And then perhaps you feel guilty for thinking it. Because you love these people. Because you chose this life. Because other people have bigger problems. Because technically, you can manage it.
But being capable of carrying something doesn't mean it isn't heavy. And loving people doesn't mean you never get tired of looking after them.
When did you last let somebody look after you?
Really think about that.
Not somebody helping because you asked them three times. Not somebody doing something while you supervised. Not somebody taking one thing off your list while you dealt with the other twelve.
When did you last feel that someone had thought ahead for you?
Made the reservation. Remembered the thing. Asked what you needed. Brought you something without being asked. Took something off your plate and didn't need instructions.
Said, I've got it.
And actually had it.
Maybe you have that in your life. Maybe you don't.
Either answer is worth noticing.
What are you making your responsibility that doesn't need to be?
This one might be uncomfortable.
Because sometimes nobody has actually asked us to carry everything we're carrying.
We just picked it up.
Someone else's mood. Someone else's disappointment. Making sure everybody has a good time. Remembering things another adult could remember themselves. Fixing a problem before someone else has the chance to fix it. Saying yes because saying no feels awkward. Doing something yourself because it's quicker. Keeping the peace. Anticipating what everyone might need so nobody ever has to ask.
So have a look at what you're holding and ask:
Is this actually mine?
Not can I do it?
You probably can.
Do I need to?
Those are very different questions.
Let someone do it differently.
This may be harder than it sounds.
Because when you've been the one holding everything together, letting go doesn't always feel relaxing. Sometimes it feels irritating.
They won't do it the way you would. They might forget something. They might choose differently. They might take longer.
You may have to sit on your hands and resist saying, I'll just do it. Try anyway.
Because if everything has to be done exactly as you would do it, you will always be the person doing everything.
Sometimes being looked after means allowing someone else to do something their way.
Even if their way is not quite your way. Even if you could have done it faster.
Let them.
And what do you need?
Not what needs doing.
What do you need?
That's a different question.
Maybe you need an evening where nobody asks you anything. Maybe you need help. Maybe you need somebody to make a decision for once.
Maybe you need to say no without producing a five-paragraph explanation. Maybe you need to stop being available all the time. Maybe you need someone to listen rather than immediately asking you what the solution is. Maybe you need something lovely that serves absolutely no practical purpose whatsoever.
Maybe you simply need to hear:
I've got this. You don't need to think about it.
Whatever came into your mind, don't immediately talk yourself out of it.
Put one thing down.
We're not going to reorganise your entire life today.
You don't need a new system. You don't need to become brilliant at boundaries by tomorrow.
Just choose one thing.
One thing you are carrying that somebody else could carry. One thing that can wait. One thing you can say no to. One thing you don't need to fix. One thing somebody else can remember. One thing that does not actually belong to you.
Put that one down. And when your mind tells you it would be easier to pick it back up?
Leave it there a little longer.
Before you get up...
You don't need to become less caring. You don't need to stop being generous. You don't need to pretend you aren't capable.
Those are beautiful parts of you.
But being the person who can hold everything doesn't mean you should have to.
You are allowed to need people too. You are allowed to be considered. You are allowed to be helped without earning it first. You are allowed to let someone else remember. Let someone else organise. Let someone else worry about the details.
Let someone else say:
I've got it.
And perhaps the next time they do, instead of saying don't worry, I'll do it...
Let them.
The chair will still be here when you come back.
One thing to take with you
Just because I can carry it doesn't mean I have to.