Why Am I So Hard on Myself?

CONVERSATION 03 

When the voice in your own head is harsher than you would ever be to someone you love.

Come in.

There are things you would never say to someone you love.

You wouldn't look at your best friend after a difficult week and tell her she'd handled everything terribly.

You wouldn't notice she'd gained a little weight and decide she was disgusting.

You wouldn't watch her make a mistake at work and think, God, you're useless.

You wouldn't tell her she should be further ahead by now. That everyone else seems to have figured it out. That she really ought to be doing better.

You'd probably tell her to give herself a break. And mean it.

So why is it so different when it's you?

Maybe you've never really thought about it.

That running commentary in your head has been there for so long that it doesn't even sound particularly cruel anymore. It just sounds like you.

Can we talk about that voice?

Sometimes it's loud.

You look awful.

Why did you say that?

You've messed this up.

You need to sort yourself out.

But sometimes it's much quieter than that.

It's the little should at the end of everything.

I should be more patient.

I should be doing more.

I should be happier.

I should have dealt with this by now.

I should be a better mother. Partner. Friend. Daughter. Employee.

I should be thinner, calmer, more organised, more successful, more grateful.

It's exhausting when you actually write it all down. Because the finish line keeps moving.

You do the thing you thought would finally make you feel good enough, and almost immediately your mind finds the next thing that isn't quite right.

And the strange thing is, from the outside, nobody may have any idea. They might think you're doing brilliantly.

You might even know, rationally, that you're doing brilliantly. It doesn't necessarily change the way you speak to yourself when nobody else can hear.

I wonder where you learnt that.

Not in a let's analyse your entire childhood way.

Just, somewhere along the line, perhaps being hard on yourself started to feel useful.

Maybe you thought it kept you motivated.

Maybe you were rarely told you were doing a good job, so you never really learnt to notice when you were.

Maybe you were taught not to boast. Not to show off. Not to think too highly of yourself. So even quietly feeling proud of yourself could feel a little uncomfortable.

And if nobody else was saying, you're doing really well, and you didn't feel you were supposed to say it to yourself either... perhaps you just didn't hear it very often.

Maybe being good at things became part of who you were, so doing well was simply expected. It was the mistakes that got your attention.

Maybe you learnt that getting something wrong was embarrassing, while getting it right was just what you were supposed to do.

Maybe you became very good at noticing what other people needed from you, and much less practised at noticing what you needed from yourself.

Or perhaps nobody taught you any of this. Perhaps you just absorbed it along the way.

And to be fair, being hard on yourself might have worked for a while.

You pushed yourself.

You got things done.

You kept going.

You became capable.

But there's a difference between expecting something of yourself and constantly finding yourself lacking. One helps you grow. The other makes it very difficult to ever enjoy the person you've become.

Something to notice.

The next time you catch yourself being horrible to yourself, don't rush past it.

Just catch the sentence.

That's all.

I'm such an idiot.

There it is.

I look terrible.

There it is.

Why can't I ever get anything right?

There it is.

And then ask yourself one very ordinary question:

Would I say that to someone I love?

Not should I love myself more?

Not how do I heal my inner critic?

Just: Would I speak to someone I love like that?

If the answer is no, perhaps you don't deserve to hear it either.

And then, just for a moment, try something else. Take the thought you've just caught and give yourself another one in its place.

It doesn't need to be a grand affirmation. It doesn't even need to feel completely natural yet.

I'm such an idiot might become I made a mistake. That doesn't make me an idiot.

I look terrible might become I'm being really hard on myself today.

I can't do anything right might become Actually, there are plenty of things I do well. This one just didn't go the way I wanted.

That's enough. Notice the old thought. Acknowledge it. Then offer your mind another way of seeing it.

Because if you've spent years practising criticism, of course criticism is where your mind goes first.

It's familiar. You've had a lot of practice.

So perhaps this isn't about suddenly becoming endlessly positive. It's simply about practising something different.

Again and again, quietly, without making a big thing of it.

Until the kinder voice doesn't feel quite so unfamiliar.

Until you don't have to work so hard to hear it.

Until, perhaps, it starts to sound a little more like you.

And while we're here...

When was the last time you actually gave yourself credit for something?

Not because somebody else noticed. Not because someone congratulated you.

Just because you knew you'd done well.

We are very good at moving straight on.

You get through the difficult week and think about the next one. You do something that frightened you and barely acknowledge that you did it. You solve the problem. You make the decision. You show up when you really didn't feel like it. You keep a promise to yourself. You handle something differently than you would have a year ago.

And then... on to the next thing.

But you are allowed to notice your own progress. You are allowed to be pleased with yourself. You are allowed to think, I handled that really well.

It isn't arrogance. It isn't showing off. Nobody even needs to know.

It's simply giving yourself some of the acknowledgement you may have spent years waiting to receive from somewhere else.

So think of something now.

What have you done lately that you're quietly proud of?

Don't dismiss the first thing that comes to mind because it isn't impressive enough. Nobody is marking this. Just let yourself have it.

Before you go.

You are allowed to want more for yourself. You're allowed to notice things you want to change. You're allowed to get things wrong and wish you'd done them differently.

Being kinder to yourself doesn't mean pretending everything you do is wonderful. It doesn't mean lowering your standards or never holding yourself accountable. It just means you don't have to hurt yourself on the way to becoming whoever you're becoming.

And perhaps today you don't need to suddenly love every part of yourself. Perhaps we start smaller. Notice when you're being cruel. Question whether it's true. Give yourself something fairer in its place.

And every now and then, when you've done something well, let yourself know that too.

You don't have to wait for somebody else to say it.

One thing to take with you

The next time you hear that familiar voice, ask:

Would I speak to someone I love like this?

If you wouldn't, change the sentence. Not into something perfect. Just something kinder. Something fairer. Something you'd actually say to someone you cared about.

You deserve to be spoken to like someone you care about too.